Hopeful?

    (Written late afternoon, Wednesday Dec. 11, 2002 but posted later)

    I’m at Panera Bread here in the Southside of OKC attempting to study Contracts. Things are making more sense today but it is still hard to focus. Part of it is that for me Contracts just doesn’t interest me as much as the other subjects. I love Torts, not only for the action involved (reading a tort case is almost as much fun as a criminal case 😉 but also because it is area of law where wrongs are being righted; and I have learned to love Civil Procedure (I found out that Civ Pro is very logical in approach with a heavy emphasis on history. Much more interesting than I once thought)… but Contracts… sheesh, I just don’t really care. The cases themselves are hard to get excited about. Unlike Torts causes of actions where little folks are often seeking justice against the bad guys, Contracts is all about big companies. Little guys for the most part can’t afford to sue when the taco stand gives you bad tacos or a car deal goes bad, but big companies have tons of money to sue other big companies.

    I just don’t care which of the big companies wins. I know, I know, I should care as it has to do with stream of commerce and economic growth and all of that jazz, but I really don’t.

    Of course law study is less about the conclusions than the analysis (at least as far as exams go), but it is hard to get excited about the analysis when the conclusions seems so pointless to me.

    Anyway though, that was not what I meant to talk about in this post. Contracts is a mess but I’m sure I’ll pull it all together at the end (I might be having an allnighter tomorrow though… which will be ok since it is my last final I guess.)

    What I really wanted to talk about is hope. I have been struggling to maintain my hopefulness lately. Partly it’s just tests and school that has me down, but mostly it is that I am not living with faith enough. Instead of seeing the world through the eyes of faith, I’m seeing the world through the eyes of physical reality, and frankly that scares me to death.

    Yet, hope goes beyond physical reality… in the world’s history, horrible, horrible things have happened, but yet life (in the big pictures) goes on. Genocide has been so common… such horrors… the holocaust, the decimation of Native America, so many other horrible, horrible things, and yet life goes on.

    I don’t know what I’m trying to say here. I meant to convince myself of the hope in this whole mess by writing this but the more I write the more depressed I get… but I know there is hope. The problem for me right now is that hope seems rather abstract. It doesn’t seem real, I mean really real; real enough that I can hold it in my hands, that I can smell it’s rich aroma, that I can taste its earthyness.

    No, right now hope seems more like an elusive vapor. I want it so bad but I can’t get my hands on it. I wish I could breathe it in deeply but the moment I try to inhale, the wind shifts and it is gone.

    Is there hope? I can’t stand the thought of a world without it and I believe it is there, but I still wish it were more concrete and more solid. I need it. I yearn for it.