This week’s edition of The Onion is just what our country needs in time like this, the ability to laugh at itself.
Here are few tidbits that are worth quoting from it…
Bush Sr. Apologizes To Son For Funding Bin Laden In ’80s
MIDLAND, TX— Former president George Bush issued an apology to his son Monday for advocating the CIA’s mid-’80s funding of Osama bin Laden, who at the time was resisting the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. “I’m sorry, son,” Bush told President George W. Bush. “We thought it was a good idea at the time because he was part of a group fighting communism in Central Asia. We called them ‘freedom fighters’ back then. I know it sounds weird. You sort of had to be there.” Bush is still deliberating over whether to tell his son about the whole supporting-Saddam Hussein-against-Iran thing.
Dinty Moore Breaks Long Silence On Terrorism With Full-Page Ad
NEW YORK— Nearly two weeks after the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon, the makers of Dinty Moore beef stew finally weighed in on the tragedy Monday with a full-page ad in USA Today. “We at Dinty Moore extend our deepest sympathies to all who have been affected by the terrible events of Sept. 11, 2001,” read the ad, which pictured a can of Dinty Moore beef stew at the bottom of the page. “The entire Dinty Moore family is outraged by this heinous crime and stands firmly behind our leaders.” Dinty Moore joins Knoche Heating & Cooling and Tri-State Jacuzzi in condemning terrorism.
US vows to destroy whoever it is that we are at war with
WASHINGTON, DC—In a televised address to the American people Tuesday, a determined President Bush vowed that the U.S. would defeat “whoever exactly it is we’re at war with here.”
“America’s enemy, be it Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, the Taliban, a multinational coalition of terrorist organizations, any of a rogue’s gallery of violent Islamic fringe groups, or an entirely different, non-Islamic aggressor we’ve never even heard of… be warned,” Bush said during an 11-minute speech from the Oval Office. “The United States is preparing to strike, directly and decisively, against you, whoever you are, just as soon as we have a rough idea of your identity and a reasonably decent estimate as to where your base is located.” more . . .
Hijackers surprised to find selves in hell: ‘We expected paradise for this’ say suicide bombers
JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS—The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na’ar, Islam’s Hell.
“I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers,” said Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. “But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?” more . . .
God angrily clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ rule
NEW YORK—Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other Monday.
“Look, I don’t know, maybe I haven’t made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again,” said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. “Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don’t. And to be honest, I’m really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand.” more . . . (personal note – I doubt that God would use the language that this story attributes Him to using, but overall the message of this article is very, very, very powerful.)