Not sure why but I started browsing through some of archives of this blog (back from before I started law school). It was interesting reading and a good reminder that my life is better now than it was then. I do have my fair share of problems certainly today and times that I am morbidly depressed, but I don’t think I am as angry as I was two years ago. I do lose it sometimes on this blog but I am definitely much calmer most of the time than I was then. I also forgot how lonely I was then. Goodness, it doesn’t seem so bad today after reading those old blog posts.Anyway though I did fine one old post from December 5, 2001. It’s cool reading it because it reminds me a little why I moved to Oklahoma in the first place, and why despite my occasional longing for those golden days in Austin that I’m much better off here in Oklahoma.
Anyway here’s what I wrote on that day about two years ago…
- Journal Note: Frankly the last few days I’ve been a bit depressed. Partly it’s the state of the world… I guess I spend too much time reading the NY Times to keep up with the death of liberty and the growing enlargement of the global war. (Is it too soon to call it WWIII? Who knows?) Things keep seem to be expanding, more and more bloodshed, more and suffering.Then here, the economy is crashing. A year ago I thought a “correction” would be a good thing, a chance to level the playing field so the little guy could have chance. Instead, it’s the little guy that gets screwed. I see it first hand in my job as a pedi-cab driver as the tips get less and less ($50 on Friday night was my take-home! Six months ago I averaged $150 on a weekend night.) Across the board, whether it’s Enron employees, journalists at AOL/Time Warner, resteraunt employees, it’s getting worse and worse.
And then, that’s compounded with my loneliness. I’m not afraid of solitude, in fact I need my solitary time to stay sane, but loneliness is different than solitude.
To be lonely is to be alone, to not have someone to share your life with, to not have someone to be loved by.
I guess all of this emotional turmoil got stirred up by reading the book “Sex, Economy, Freedom, and Community” by Wendell Berry. This book is an intellectual grenade and rocked my entire paradigm. Strangely enough, it confirmed for me why I am moving to the farm (you can read more about my upcoming move at pineridgeoklahoma.com) but also made me question a lot of things, most notably being in love.
When I read Berry’s essays on love I was struck with the fact that I have never experienced the truest form of love before. I have been “in love” a few times before, and might even be “in love now”, but never have I experienced what Berry described.
It is hard to put this in words, but when Berry described that true sensual love is about the eyes more than anything, I was… I can’t describe it. I was literally blown away when he described true lovemaking… when one looks into the eyes of your beloved and you both feel so small in the face of what is much greater in the union of the two.
Reading those words (I’ll post some quotes from the book later.) made my heart yearn for that true kind of love, and made me realize that I am very alone. I have a few friends, even a romantic interest (as in I’m interested in her. Nothing thus far would indicate that she sees as more than a friend, but I haven’t been completely rebuffed either… ok, reality says there is no hope, but in my sad state of alone-liness, it is hard to give hope all together), but true love…no.
Anyway, the reason I am writing this down is because today my car broke down. (Hang with me here.) Nothing major as far as I know, but I did have to get it towed to the repair shop so they can put in a new alternator or whatevery is wrong with it. Anyway, where I’m going with this, is that I ended up having to walk home from the repair shop tonight (they won’t be able to fix it until the morning). The walk wasn’t bad, just rather long…maybe an hour or so.
As I began my walk, a thought came to me… maybe God orchestrated this breakdown to get my attention and force me to have a long walk and talk to Him.
So I did talk to Him. At first the words were awkward, but soon I was pouring out my heart. I told Him how alone I feel and how much I yearn for true love. As I shared this with Him, I also felt sad that I don’t have that depth of yearning for His love. Yet, in this time of prayer the Lord revealed more than anything his unknowability (to lack a better word). Loving a woman, while sometimes difficult, is easier than loving God. It is sad in a way, but also true. For whatever reason God is both intimate and personal, but also very mysterious and unknowable. More than anything tonight I saw the mystery of who He is, and that for whatever reason that I’ll never understand, He will not reveal Himself completely to me. He wants me to seek Him, but never completely reach Him.
I also saw that my need for a wife is a mystery too. Why such a human need would be so important is beyond my understanding. In practical terms, I don’t understand why that yearning is so much stronger than the yearning I have for God, and yet part of it is, that God doesn’t want my seeking of Him to be too easy. He wants me to be a pilgrim on a difficult and sometimes obscured path to Him.
In the end, I did feel that the depression had lifted some, but now that it is a few hours later it is still there. That is a mystery too, and is too far beyond what I can understand.
Enough of my thoughts for now. I hope you (my reader) do not mind this departure from my usual political news and commentary. Everyone once in awhile it helps me to share these with someone…